Cough Syrup Abuse Investigation


Grippin’ Grape, Purp Slurp, Junk Juice… children as young as the age of 7 have fallen victim to the devil in disguise known as cough syrup. In my investigation, I explored ways to identify someone who abuses cough syrup through their actions, emotions, and physical appearance, so you can keep your children safe and junkies at bay.

I went to a local drug store to survey the choices. Believe me, there are some cough medicines you shouldn’t abuse. Children’s cough medicine seemed like light beer in comparison, and it seems wrong to abuse something meant to help your sick child. To me, that would be like taking a baby’s Vicodin, and I am not so morally corrupt. I finally settled on a bottle of gels. Strangely enough, the woman at the counter didn’t card me. She’s so naive to think that I was using medicine as intended. I later reported her to the police, and was commended by the chief for my timely snitching – I even got to beat the cashier with a billy club for a few seconds.

To fully understand what a purp slurper goes through, I set up my computer so I could watch videos and take notes at the same time. I kept my phone on hand in case of a medical emergency, and I cooked some food ahead of time. I had researched various dosages, and measured out my cough candies. The great thing about cough gels is that they come up mostly the same way that they go down. If you like red dye, you’ll love how it looks cascading out of your mouth, onto a nice white carpet. However, it’s easy to assume it’s a blood stain from your raging period or a paint spill you neglected to take care of, so it’s easy to cover up. Parents – if you find strange red staining around the lips of your child or on your new carpet, you may have a syrup sipper on your hands. They will deny it, so be sure to employ new age parenting techniques, like whipping the soles of their feet with cables or pulling at their hang nails until you get the answer you want. Another interesting observation I recall is how numb and plastic everything suddenly tasted. It was like eating a cold lean cuisine after getting a cavity filled. Suddenly, all but a few senses felt similarly numb and plastic.

My investigation then took on many different routes, none of which I can fully recall. However, Bob’s Burgers became an infinitely funny and eternally mesmerizing cartoon. After 10 hours of Bob’s Burgers and hallucinations of television static, I realized how simple and easy life could really be. I put my hands out in front of me and laughed at how heavy they felt. I thought that the marrow in my bones must weigh at least a pound each, and all that meat on my wrist could feed a family of cockroaches for a week, maybe more. If my skin didn’t feel like a viscous silly putty, and my eye balls weren’t slowly sinking like quick sand into my sockets, I might have grown up to be an astronaut or mailman. But I was born in this broken body, a vagina and two mounds of breast flesh, and that means I can only be a pretty girl when mom lets me wear makeup from the drug store. I took a bite of Ramen and realized that it was made entirely of plastic. I thought of all the children eating plastic doll hair and choking on every hairy mound as it made its way down their esophagus. I could feel their chewing, they could feel me feeling.

I never spoke, but I could hear myself rambling in my head. I assume that if your child is quiet and thinks a lot, they’re probably high on cough syrup right now. If their eyes are bugging out of their head, or they watch a lot of television, check your medicine cabinet. Does your child really have a cough? Have you ever heard them cough?

After a nap and some tea, I came to the conclusion that cough syrup is awesome, and I’m surprised that more children don’t abuse it. Although I burned a few holes in my brain and I walk with a limp now, I’m glad I could sacrifice what I could to educate us on the healing powers of drugging your brain until logic is but a faint idea. I can conclude, from this report, that children abuse cough syrup because life is a meaningless void that needs defining, and  cough syrup provides a context that we can all follow along and enjoy.



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