If you’ve ever seen a person blow $60 on a shiny rock and didn’t immediately react with intense anger, this is a great instructional guide for you. Crystals can definitely affect the circumstances of your life. In this booklet, we will be using our hands, waving around some earth stuff, and suppressing the anger you have towards your father. Think about the wonders of crystal healing in addition to other alternative medicines. Juicing and acupuncture are hugely beneficial to the body, just ask Steve Jobs.
Crystal healing is known as pseudo-scientific alternative medicine. It has no scientific basis for any claims, but many people’s anecdotal evidence is convincing enough to spend half a decade practicing madness. The power of suggestion, in this case, is far more powerful than antibiotics or Neurotherapy. Holistic, in this case, means holy shit, you are about to spend over $100 on something somebody found near their sewer line. These special sewer rocks, however, will correct your patterns of energy, reduce stress and pain, increase your energy levels, and improve your health. Time to throw away that Hydrocodone prescription and strap yourself in for the most painless withdrawals of your life.
First, grab a clean paring knife. You’re going to need to open your hand chakras. There’s no easy way to open them, but a few tried and true methods outline the simplest way to work up the courage. Place your hand, palm-facing-upwards, on a clean counter. If the counter is dirty, leave the house and find another one with a cleaner counter. Take the paring knife and raise it high above your head. Scream internally and drive it towards your palm. Repeat for the other hand. If you are squeamish, you can ask a good friend to do it for you. However, it is asked that you spray your friend down with a garden hose and cover her in sea salt to ensure she is spiritually clean. After opening hand chakras, many people describe a sensation similar to “an immediate infection”. Give yourself at least 30 minutes for the pain to subside.
BALANCE YOUR VIBRATIONAL STATE
Link your sore hands together and think deeply about your own self-mutilation. Open and close your hands over and over again, swapping the bacterial goods about. Make a loose fist, but if that’s too painful, you can just give up now and go home. Reverse your hand positions, unless the excessive weeping makes them stick together like super glue. Raise your hands to chest-height and clap your hands three times. If the pain hasn’t completely paralyzed your ability to communicate, choke out a weak “Open!” before every triple-clap. Allow yourself to feel the deep vibrational energy in between your hands.
LET GO OF YOUR GRUDGES
If your hands still smell like salted pork, you should feel a deep energy radiating through you. If you need to throw up, do so into your newly energized hand wounds so purification can immediately take place. Rinse them off and cover them in sea salt. Embrace the pain and think of a person you really hate. Really, really hate, like, your upper lip gets wet when you imagine their face. Imagine a divine light impaling them through their mouth and exiting through their ass, like that awful movie. Imagine a steam roller of energy pushing the guts up out of their mouths like a tube of toothpaste. Now imagine shame, because you clearly have none. Breathe. Now imagine a healing light slowly reanimating what you maimed. This will release the grudges. Any time you feel negative, grudge-like energy permeating throughout your body, kill your enemy and then heal them in your mind as many times as necessary. Eventually you will get over it, until the holidays roll around and you’re forced to be in contact with them again. You’ll buy a weapon, sure, maybe even have a kit in the back of your truck in case the animal inside of you awakens one lonely drive home. Maybe you’ll slowly caress it with your thumb in your coat pocket as you’re walking through the city. There they are, you’ll say to yourself. I could kill them in an instant. But you’ll know better than to do so, so your almost sexual feelings of aggression will have to be quelled later with some salty wet crystals in a smelly water-logged bowl.
“The Fear” should be in full swing at this point. If you can stabilize your hands long enough to grab some rose quartz and pull it towards your body, we can get this thing going. The Rose Quartz is known as the heart chakra healing crystal. You may need to open your heart chakra. I’m not going to baby you through this fucking thing, just use your imagination. Go look at some other guide if you want mommy to pat your bum. Take the rock, fold your hands over it, and picture your body being enveloped in pink, like nerve gas. Are they poisoning me in this place? Is it coming through the vents? Are they smoking me out? If your anxiety is more stubborn, you can take that rock and sleep with it under your pillow, like a little kid that didn’t study for a spelling test. I’m sure that worked out splendidly for them, so this must be worth a shot. It may help you with your super-vivid nightmares that make you call your loved ones at 3 in the morning out of genuine fear. Hold the rocks over your heart and imagine them sucking the fears straight out of you. Scream “THANK YOU! THANK YOU!” while holding back tears. It’s gotta release something, man.
CLEAN YOUR DIRTY ROCKS AND PAY ME
After a long day of healing, your crystals will be sore and dirty. They may smell sour or have weeping wounds. This process will guide you through proper cleaning protocols. Prepare a water stream. I guess it doesn’t matter if it comes from a tap, you could probably hand-cup some puddle water. I don’t care, use Hi-C. Splash your crystals with it and watch as absolutely nothing happens. The only thing that is seriously important is that you DO NOT put your crystals in plastic bowls. Only use wooden bowls, because they “have more energy”. You could use ceramic or copper if you’re a poser. Fill the wooden bowl with sticky and acidic Hi-C. Scatter a palmful of sea salt. Sea salt is one of the most powerful purifying agent because you can feel when it’s working. Put the bowl outside and expose it to the elements. If a raccoon doesn’t try and steal it, or a vagrant doesn’t try to fuck it, the crystal should be purified totally by the earth. You can do a similar thing with thick, cotton tampons or diapers.
After 24 hours, rinse off the crystals one last time. It’s over. They’re clean, and you should be, too. Hopefully you can get some urgent medical care that has no relation to crystals for those hand wounds. Psychologically, you should be in a better place. Physically, you should probably check out that withdrawal related stomach pain. You’re still dripping with sweat. At the very least, you can now start dressing like an urban shaman with silver feather earrings and many-pocketed pants. Maybe you’ll take up wearing more sheer fabrics. Your identity is definitely a lot cooler as a result of this intense energy regulating process. If you want to continue to balance your life, like shaking off obsessive compulsions or getting your children in line, wire me money through Facebook, and I’ll throw you all the crystals and chants you need.